Days After

So my last post was a bit depressing, but it was good for me to realize all that I shared. So I haven't really touched the guitar much since then and I've still been contemplating what now? Not really sure but I've seen a lot of examples of people trying to make it on their own, blogs about subjects like 'is a guy who can sing and play the guitar automatically a worshipper?' Examples of people doing this with no great results and it's like Goddie is saying that unless I have Him in it, it's a waste of time. So I feel a little like Jacob wrestling with Goddie over this issue and I'm bound to lose. Great!!

I also got into contact with my friend Adolf who is a brilliant drummer. His wife Adri played bass and put it down when they had their first child who is now 7. Adolf also got really frustrated with not really having a mission in music and was considering giving it up, but lately has found a spark again and been playing etc. So he joined a bunch of guys who are starting a new Afrikaans church and when we spoke, he said he would talk to the guys and see if I could come and play too. We used to gig like this and it was always great fun. I suppose I got my hopes up and if you remember from previous posts, Goddie said a definite "NO" to me joining my own church band which was an issue to get through, so here is a casual opportunity to go and play with a band, something of which I haven't done in years, and when I spoke to him earlier this week, he said that he had convinced Adri to come and play bass again, and he has told the band leader about me, who is also a guy that we played with in a previous gig, and he said no, it's too far to travel and it's not my kind of music. Like I care how far it is, I have withdrawal symptoms here and hey it may not be my music style, but I can fake it!!!

So its really like Goddie is cutting off my every attempt to play with anyone and I'm really questioning "what now Lord?" I know there is something He has for me, so that's not the issue, the issue is what and how do I begin. Should I be trying to contact a brilliant guitar player I know who has a studio and ask him if I can come and learn mixing and producing from him, go to guitar lessons etc, or just do nothing.

I've kind of been shying away from actually picking a guitar up myself, but strangely I have played twice and just played kind of a nice rhythm and got totally into it and all of a sudden I sensed Goddie’s anointing there. I'm not even worshiping Him, not even really talking to Him about this, but He pitched up. That did stuff for me.

Ever feel like you are building a puzzle and the main big piece in the centre of the picture is missing? Nothing is complete without it.......

Well it feels like God has just said He has that piece....

New years revelation

The second half of my army experience was a very lonely one for me, as I was the only Christian along with a bunch of sinners whose only ambition in life as to see how much they could drink in one night. They would spend the night in the bar so I had the dorm to myself and I would sit with my guitar and worship God until His presence was so strong on me that I couldn’t hold the plectrum anymore, or get my fingers to make chords and that point I would lie back in His awesome presence. I have fond memories of this.

Fast forward 17 years. For someone who is digging his guitar our and dusting it off, warming up my figures and trying to remember the chords of all those old songs. I have been playing at home church and really having a hard time with the people there who don’t really seem to care about worship. It really makes me feel like I’m wasting my time with them. I am trying to decide if I should even go back to this as it’s really off putting. That’s a side note however, the main point is that I feel within myself that things aren’t what they used to be and I have really been struggling to get into worshipping the Father again like I used to. Just by myself. I loved it and now it feels like a real drag…

So we arrive to just a few minutes ago when I’m sitting on our upstairs balcony in the cool of the night playing guitar and trying to make it sound good. I played around just trying to get a tune that sounds nice and then went onto an old worship song and sung that. It was at this point that a revelation hit me. I think I totally suck!!! This is my core belief and it’s affecting everything I do concerning music. Like God’s blocking his ears or something - I think not. No wonder my hearts not in this. No wonder He’s not into it either. It’s like I’m giving Him a 99c gift and I know it’s cheap. Ouch!!

So what is the offending cause of this all? Musical excellence – a nasty one. I’ve heard of him before when God told me that He hates it but I never saw it in me like this. It’s strangled every bit of freedom I have within me because I have this notion that I’m tired of being this strummer boy and want to play better, more like the pro’s, don’t have the time to practice all day so what’s the use but I’m certainly not the old Steve just happy to strum away to a song. I want to make it sound great, have a full band playing along (I'm tired of paying alone) and inspiring myself to worship with a full heart. It’s this striving that has grounded my worship to a royal halt!

So now what?

I know God has said I must just come to Him and worship and believe that He can make up the excellence that I need and crave. To do this I’m assuming that I now need to get over my need for this excellence and learn just to worship Him like before. Which brings me back to being happy to just strum again and like it…. So how does one do that?