The Start of it all

Hello to All,

My name is Stephen Cross, I'm a 35 year old guy living in Johannesburg South Africa. So what's the 'feeling called' all about then? Well years ago I got to a point where I accepted Jesus Christ into my life and asked him to become my Lord and Savior. He did, and my life hasn't been the same since. We embarked on a journey that was very different to the way I planned to spend my life. It's been many hard roads but I can honestly say I'm happier and more mature than if I had pursued my own way. Somewhere under all this I started to recognize a call on my life, a sense of purpose that I was here to do something great and that my life would mean nothing unless I accomplished this thing. I have had this sense for many years now and it has gotten more intense over time, a feeling perhaps, that time is running out. Speaking of running, I've been on the run too, never away from this calling, I have wanted it with all my heart, but more from God like I'm afraid of what this is all about and don't want Him to alter my life too much. Well it's now got to the point where He has got my full attention and I'm ready to listen. Call it a ' near death experience' or something, but I realized that I had drifted very far away from this call and He used a series of bad choices in my life to get me to stop and look at my life which really sucked at the time. I had to change, and in this changing I realized this call again and for the first time in my life recognized it as being in music.

I used to play guitar, never got really good at it, but loved to play and loved to sing and I think that from what I was told I've been really blessed compared to most musicians in that I've had the opportunity to play in front of some really big crowds - the biggest was at the Kloofendaal Amphitheatre with a crowd of about 4 - 5000 people. I must just say that the vibe is out of this world !!!! On the 'ordinary days' I played at our church youth group where we played rock 'n roll type stuff and in this I found that I desired a more intimate experience with God. They changed the whole structure of youth after a while and I left and didn't really touch my guitar or music for 10 years. I got married to a beautiful girl - Denise - and we started our life together building the proverbial white picket fenced - happy life. Pretty soon it was work, work, work and very little else, until...

One day I had a panic attack that really feels like you are having a full heart attack and I thought I was dying except that I never saw my life flash in front of my eyes as everyone say's you should, but either way, I wasn't taking any chances and prayed before God to spare me, "I'm not done here yet!!!" I protested. Well He did and it took 3 years to recover fully from this thing, but in the time He brought me back to seeking and serving Him like I should be. So one day in the midst of this hell I realize that this music that I have buried is still very much there and is really the only thing that I want to do with my life.

Well this was a great revelation, not that it hit me at once, but slowly grew in spite of my mocking doubts that God could really use me like this. After all, I don't really think that I can sing well or play well enough to make it. I sort of had these visions that I'm gonna be this up and coming Christian rock star and fought the image for a while. I've also only written 3 songs that I like, 2 love songs to Denise and 1 Christian song which took 5 years to finish... So what's this all about then? It was only a few months ago when suddenly my desires changed and I found that I wanted to get into worship music because I've really found God in music and music without God seems really empty - like what's the point? But in the good old days I found God heals and does wonderful things in worship and there is an intimacy and feelings of utter complete love of God that I promise you is better than the best sex you'll ever have.... and yes, for the record I love sex as much as the next guy. My desires changed to wanting a sound studio and getting a bunch of muzos over to come and play and record this wonderful worship that I have written.

Clearly you can see my dilemma – this all seems totally crazy !!!!!!!

The problem is that no matter how much I try to run from this and inspite of what I think of it, God seems to confirm that it’s true, that THIS is what He wants for me. The dream seems to get bigger and bigger all the time and I’m still going “yeah right – I can’t…” He’s also recently told me to stop saying that I can’t so this is the last time that I will say it, but just so you know what I’m really feeling. Nothing is impossible for God or for those who believe (Mark 11:22-24) and without faith it is impossible to please God so this is what this blog will be about. Learning to trust God and believe the impossible.

Sound interesting? Well stay tuned for more…